Crowding Out

I love this notion of "crowing out" the bad with all the things in my life that are amazing. I wonder and worry a little about the long-term psychological ramifications of such thinking, but as a short-term fix I can't complain. And in this vein, and from a blog post that made it's way into my email this morning, I want to talk about deserving.

What do I feel like I deserve?

Often, nothing. That would be the usual answer. Or rather, it would be the old-self answer, the answer that you'd hear me give in my moments of deepest angst and despair (of which there have been plenty, more than enough). But lately - more and more - I am coming to realize that, simply by being here and breathing and sharing this space with every other being on the planet, that I do deserve to feel good. To be happy. Because otherwise, what on earth is the point?

I really liked this list at the end of the aforementioned blog post, so I'm reposting it here (without permission).

I am worthy of my desires.
I was born free.
I am worthy of love and respect.
I am lovable.
I deserve:

• eye contact
• smiles in the morning
• food made with pure intention
• clean drinking water, fresh air
• Hello, Please, Thank you.
• time to think about it
• a chance to show them what I'm made of
• a second chance
• an education
• health care, including dental
• multiple orgasms (and how!)
• weekends and the summer off
• eight hours of sleep
• play before work
• to change my mind
• to say no
• to say yes
• to be seen
• to be loved for what is seen.

I deserve all this just because I showed up for myself today.

And right now, I also deserve a taco. Because I want one, and there is a fabulous taqueria across the street from my school.

Tacoooooooo!

(Oh! P.S. - Happy International Women's Day! ^__^)

Happy Happy! and Some New Year's Woes

Happy new year, folks (all two of you who read this blog...!)!

Lots of fun and amazing things happened over the last month. There was a vacation (St. Maarten, amazing), a sinfully enormous Christmas present haul, the possibility of promotion at work, excessive use of the word BAMF!, and lots of time spent with people who just brighten up my whole life.

There was also not-so-great stuff, like my grandfather being in the hospital on Christmas Eve (the first time ever in anyone's life he missed Christmas) and the subsequent weirdness of the event at my grandmother's house. There was the weird passive-aggressive fight between my parents over the concept of re-gifting, and the declaration by all and sundry that my aunt is a lunatic for dating her first husband again (I don't share this view because I (a) don't know him and (b) think that whatever makes you happy, makes you happy). Let's also not forget me breaking my toe 10 minutes into the new year by politely stubbing it on the toilet seat in my friend's bathroom - fun times!

And then there was me suddenly becoming allergic to my deodorant.

TMI? Probably. But I am super frustrated by this, and this is my place to dump weird shit on the internet, so if you don't like it, kindly click away.

Yeah. I've been using Tom's of Maine for... oh, maybe 15 years? I'm highly allergic to 99% of commercial deodorants and Tom's was the only one that didn't make me get this crazy itchy rash. Well, for the last month or so... it's behaving like it's Old Spice under there. And I do a little research, and it appears that, for the first time in 15 years, they've changed their deodorant formula.

I don't know how they changed it (as they don't list old formulas on their website, and I don't save deodorant containers), but changed it they have, and my underarms are sad little pits of fiery, itchy Hell.

And, despite there being a big movement these days for more "natural," and certainly chemical-free, bath and body products, I have started thinking more along the lines of making as many of these things for my household as possible, right in my own kitchen, where I have control over what goes in (or not) to what I'm putting on my body.

Taking a cue from my friend over at I'll Probably Regret This, in late December (actually, right after my last post) I started washing my hair with baking soda and apple cider vinegar. It's amazing. It probably worked so well for me because I'm sort of a dirty hippie, anyway, and really only shower twice a week (except in summer time, when it's too hot to do anything but sit in the bathtub, since I don't have a pool), but my hair is clean, and shiny, and smooth, and gorgeous. So, if this can be true of a recipe adapted (ganked) from Crunchy Betty, then perhaps I should start making my own deodorant, too.

Naturally I've gone and gotten all the ingredients. Or rather, I've made my boyfriend go get them, since I am hobbling around on a broken toe and walking too much makes it hurty.

So, moving forward is an experiment in deodorizing myself without any heavy metals or nasty un-pronounceable chemicals that don't belong in my system. I suppose I shall let people know how it goes. Mostly, I'm just looking forward to not being so damned itchy all the time.

Also, rather than "make resolutions" (which I never do), I've made a list of things that I intend to do this year. The list is rather vague and unspecific at the moment, but hopefully I'll have a minute sometime to really sit down and be a bit more thorough defining what I want for myself this year.

Here we go.

1.) Cook more. Not just "we should cook more and eat out less," because that's been happening. I mean me, in the kitchen, following recipes and making meals for myself and my boyfriend. More. Because right now the split for cooking dinner is about 98% to 2% in his favor (or mine, if you consider cooking to be a chore, I suppose).

2.) Troll through my psychological crap and start dealing with it. By day, I feel like I live a charmed life, and yet by night I have the most horrific nightmares. And they have progressed (regressed?) from your typical, disembodied-evil-is-chasing-me-and-my-legs-have-forgotten-how-to-function sort of nightmares to much more specific and easily identified psychological tropes, like some bimbo in a wedding dress trying to steal my boyfriend and him not noticing at all. The plan right now is to start keeping a dream "diary" of sorts. Write the dreams out the instant I wake up, and then later in the day start looking for patterns and what those might have to say about my insecurities. We'll see how it goes.

3.) Throw more pots! Speaks for itself, really. I want to finish at least two of my 100-objects series this year. I'm 13 pots into my 100 Cylinders project. I'll do 100 Bowls after that. The other side-affect goal here is to be able to sell these things at a physical craft fair this year, maybe around holiday time.

4.) Quilt more things! Specifically, I'd love to make small quilts. As in, coasters and trivets and place-mats small. I'm working on The Big Quilt for this year, but after that, everything must be tiny! No bigger than my biggest book! And of course, I'd love to sell these things at that same craft fair, too.

5.) Get clear on my vision of myself. I'm still not 100% sure what that means or how I'm going to get there. ^.^;; Any suggestions?

Big things in store for 2012, kiddies. The journey... continues.

Good luck everyone! ^_^

Praticing Gratitude

I know this is sort of a tired subject as I've seen it flying around since the week before Thanksgiving, but... gratitude.

I started "practicing gratitude" in November while I was doing a cleanse with my nutritionist. She's into holistic work, so part of the cleanse was cleansing negative attitudes or behaviors. I'm a creature of habit, habit, habit, and the behaviors, well, they're not completely overturned (it will take years to get rid of the habits I don't like, but I'm working on it). But I have found myself to be in a profoundly better mood these days than I have been in a long, long time. There are a number of factors that add to the feeling, but I think a huge part of it is that I've stopped looking at what I don't have.

I think we're sort of programmed to think about all of the things we don't have - clearer skin, shinier hair, flatter stomachs, faster cars, bigger houses, fairy-tale romances - and then spend tons of our hard-earned cash on stuff that might bring us closer to the these things. I can't think of a single marketing campaign that tells us to be satisfied with what we already have and who we are. But I think that telling ourselves every day what we like about who we are and what we have crowds out all of the negative messages we are bombarded with that tell us to constantly seek satisfaction elsewhere.

I have a job that I absolutely fucking love. Is it the "dream job"? No. But it is a job that gives me enough money to pay my bills and still have enough to do something nice for myself or for friends. And it's satisfying to my soul in a way that no other job I've had has been.

I live in a beautiful apartment that is starting to really feel like home. Is it a gigantic mansion with fifteen bedrooms, six baths and a tennis court? No. But it is cozy, and warm, and brightly painted, and full of books and music and crafting and laughter. And good cooking.

I am healthy, and finally have health insurance. Could I be healthier? Sure. I could probably have better health insurance, too, but for now, it is enough that I can go to the doctor if I need to (or want to!), and I am working on eating better and exercising more.

I have a family that supports me and all of my wacky shit. Are we supremely dysfunctional? Definitely. But who's family isn't, these days? All I need to know is that if shit goes down, my family will help me rebuild.

I am crafting every day. Do I get to spend as much time as I'd like crafting? No. But I am making time to do it every single day, which is a huge improvement over what I was doing before - a whole lot of nothing.

I have friends I love spending time with. Do I see them as often as I'd like? No. Some are too far away and some I've slowly lost touch with, but I'm making more of an effort to keep ties with the people who lift me up and whose company I truly enjoy. I love each and every one of them and I'm hugely glad that they are in my life.

I have a partner who is willing to listen when I speak, hold me when I cry, laugh with me at a stupid joke, take me on vacations, and cook amazing meals at night when I'm too tired to do anything but be a slug on the couch (among about a thousand other awesome things). And I really, really have nothing to complain about there at all. ^_^

So, yeah. There are worries and things, but I'm finally starting to see how blessed I am to have such an amazing life. And I say thank you to the universe every day for bringing everything together, one small piece at a time.

Mata ne.