Crowding Out

I love this notion of "crowing out" the bad with all the things in my life that are amazing. I wonder and worry a little about the long-term psychological ramifications of such thinking, but as a short-term fix I can't complain. And in this vein, and from a blog post that made it's way into my email this morning, I want to talk about deserving.

What do I feel like I deserve?

Often, nothing. That would be the usual answer. Or rather, it would be the old-self answer, the answer that you'd hear me give in my moments of deepest angst and despair (of which there have been plenty, more than enough). But lately - more and more - I am coming to realize that, simply by being here and breathing and sharing this space with every other being on the planet, that I do deserve to feel good. To be happy. Because otherwise, what on earth is the point?

I really liked this list at the end of the aforementioned blog post, so I'm reposting it here (without permission).

I am worthy of my desires.
I was born free.
I am worthy of love and respect.
I am lovable.
I deserve:

• eye contact
• smiles in the morning
• food made with pure intention
• clean drinking water, fresh air
• Hello, Please, Thank you.
• time to think about it
• a chance to show them what I'm made of
• a second chance
• an education
• health care, including dental
• multiple orgasms (and how!)
• weekends and the summer off
• eight hours of sleep
• play before work
• to change my mind
• to say no
• to say yes
• to be seen
• to be loved for what is seen.

I deserve all this just because I showed up for myself today.

And right now, I also deserve a taco. Because I want one, and there is a fabulous taqueria across the street from my school.

Tacoooooooo!

(Oh! P.S. - Happy International Women's Day! ^__^)

Checking In

It's amazing what can happen in a month.

Isn't it? I mean, we sort of just go along at a decent clip and don't stop to realize just how much stuff we do in the course of a single day. How do we remember anything? How do we recall that amazing dinner we had, or that awesome play we went to, or how our favorite person sounds over the phone? Sometimes I am simply staggered by how amazing our brains truly are, for cataloging all of these things that make up our individual experience.

Anyhow, the month of February was... a long, exhausting, emotional blur. I am not going to get into it much; too many things that happened don't belong on the internet for everyone I don't know to see. But a lot of it was really bad, and a lot of it was pretty good, and now I'm just trying to recalibrate and take stock of how to move forward.

Isn't that what it's all about, anyway? Moving forward? I always struggle with that. I'm always looking over my shoulder at what has happened, or looking ahead to what might happen, and never looking right in front of me at what is happening, and so I have this tendency to stumble. I mean, right now I'm putting one foot in front of the other and doing it reasonably well; I have a plan for the next few months and I know, generally, what my life is going to look like for the vast majority of 2012. But I feel so small, sometimes. I feel so... isolated from the rest of the world of people doing the exact same thing. Putting one foot in front of the other. Trying not to trip.

I don't want to feel this small. I want to feel so big that I could embrace every single creature in the universe and still have room for more. I want to feel like I deserve that. That I deserve to love everyone and everything, and have them love me, too.

The holistic wellness counselor I've been working with since August suggested I start a regular meditation practice (there are a lot of things I'd like to do regularly, like exercise... -_-), which I've kept up with for the last five days in the mornings before work. I find that checking in with myself in the mornings definitely helps to lift my mood, but by the time lunch rolls around I'm back to feeling tiny. And there are ways in which feeling small feels great (Niagara Falls comes to mind...), but lately the feeling small has not felt so great. I am just hoping that the meditation helps. I just hope that I can keep the practice going long enough to make it a habit.

I'm also reading Eat Pray Love, a bit late, I suppose. I am simultaneously in love with the book and wanting to throw it across the room because, yes, I understand what you're saying, but I will never have such an experience, simply because I'll never be able to afford it. Which depresses me even as the message she's trying to get across lifts me up. It's really weird.

Most things are really weird right now.

Still, I am healthy, loved, and have the opportunity to create beautiful things every day. Plus, someone else is paying for me to go back to school (again!). However I may feel (and I am allowed to feel however I'm going to feel), the external forces in my life are good forces.

It will have to do for now.